9 things that are way more likely to happen than that Jade Helm conspiracy theory


Stop trying to make Jade Helm happen. It’s not going to happen.

In case you’re not familiar with the conspiracy theory, it’s AMAZING, but also completely nuts. (Matthew Yglesias wrote a thorough explainer on the subject for Vox.) Adherents basically believe that the US government plans to impose martial law over the state of Texas this summer under the cover of planned military exercises, dubbed “Jade Helm 15.” Depending on whom you ask, the Islamic State and Walmart are also involved in the plot because sure, why not.

While the Jade Helm military exercises are real, the rest of the theory is probably not. (That’s a hard probably.) To hammer that point home, here are 9 different things that you’re way more likely to see happen before this conspiracy theory comes true.

1. Beyoncé drops a surprise bid for the presidency the night before the Democratic National Convention, edging Hillary Clinton out of the race at the last minute.

2. James Franco follows up his Washington Post op-ed about McDonald’s with an art-house film featuring Ronald McDonald, shirtless, smoking a fire-engine red lipstick-stained cigarette in a hall of cracked mirrors.

3. That pile of Beanie Babies that my parents have stored in their attic somehow end up being worth the six figures that 1998 collectors’ handbook promised me they would.

4. My parents actually stored my Beanie Babies in the attic, instead of lying to me and throwing them away the second I hit middle school.

5. Rihanna actually names her still TBD eighth studio album. #whereisR8

6. While on a quick trip to Sandals, Pamela Geller realizes how awful her Islamophobic campaigns have been and decides to never organize another one again.

7. The Islamic State responds to the announcement of Pamela Geller’s next event by tweeting a link to Mariah Carey’s seminal 2009 classic “Obsessed.”

8. The Baltimore Police Department finally reveals exactly how Freddie Gray’s spine became nearly severed while in police custody last April.

9. And Mitt Romney at last learns the secret of who let those dogs out.

Bad at filling out bios seeks same.

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