Some Things I Will Miss About Ty Cobb, the Latest Trump Lawyer to Head for the Hills

The New York Times on Wednesday broke the news that Ty Cobb, the lead lawyer representing President Trump in the ongoing Russia probe, is retiring and will leave the president’s legal team at the end of the month. Trump reportedly plans to hire Emmet Flood, who served as Bill Clinton’s attorney during his 1998 impeachment proceedings, as his replacement.

“It has been an honor to serve the country in this capacity at the White House,” Cobb told the Times. “I wish everybody well moving forward.”

But Cobb’s departure isn’t simply a shake up of an already unraveling Trump legal team; it’s a shakeup of my already-fragile emotional state as well. Cobb looks like a cross between Wilford Brimley and Val Kilmer-as-Doc Holliday in 1993’s Tombstone, and as such, has consistently been one of the best parts of this entire sordid presidency. He will be missed, by me!

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we, and remember just why Cobb was so goddamned bad at his job.

He fell for internet trolls. Hard.

In September 2017, Cobb found himself suckered into a series of embarrassing email exchanges in which he ended up making a total ass of himself by saying things like “You the Man!” to a noted troll using the address “[email protected]”

At Email Prankster dot co dot UK!!!!

Amazing.

He also responded to an obvious trolling email from a local DC ramen shop owner to brag about his role in the Trump legal team.

“Dude U have no idea!” Cobb wrote. “I walked away from $4 million annually to do this, had to sell my entire retirement account for major capital losses and lost a shitload to try to protect the third pillar of democracy. Your hate I will never understand as an American. Hope you get help!”

Ty, you gullible rapscallion, you!

He ran his mouth in public

You know where you should have loud, detailed conversations about the president’s ongoing legal issues? The White House, perhaps even behind a closed door! You know where you should not have those loud, detailed conversations? On the patio of a busy Washington D.C. restaurant on the same block as the New York Times’ Washington bureau office.

Cobb, evidently, didn’t consider that, and ended up spilling the beans about various Trump legal gambits in full earshot of Times reporter Kenneth Vogel, who happened to be eating his lunch just one table over and landed an “accidental scoop” out of the snafu.

He blabbed in public (Pt. 2)

You might think that after getting caught loudly running his mouth about what is perhaps the most fraught, convoluted, and monumental legal entanglement in American politics since the Watergate scandal, Cobb would have learned to shut the fuck up in public.

Nope!

Ty, my man… wyd?

That mustache

Those perfect curls. The needle-sharp tips. This is a mustache that knows things. If these hairs could talk, right folks? I’ll miss you, mustache, most of all.