This Is Absolutely Unbearable

This afternoon was a special kind of hell on Twitter, the online cave where I live, for two reasons: The conclusion of the Paul Manafort trial (he’s pretty guilty) and news that Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to multiple charges, which will carry jail time.

To be fair: These are big news stories! Both have been closely watched, and for good reason! These men, who used to be very close to the president, are for sure bad. But it triggered the worst kind of unfunny, deeply depressing freakout on journalist Twitter, where this is all a carnival:

That’s #history, folks.

Then just as I was gasping for what I hoped would be my final breath, this happened:

Everyone lost their minds even further, doing things like counting down to that sweet, sweet Costa scoop:

What was the scoop, you ask?

Wow indeed.