Which Dead People Would You Dig Up and Disturb Their Eternal Rest and Bring Back to This Shitworld Just to Get Their Trump Takes?

By Paul Blest  |  October 4, 2019 | 8:20pm
The Discourse

On Thursday, Washington Post columnist and CNN analyst Josh Rogin posed an interesting hypothetical and followed it up with three of the dumbest answers imaginable:

John McCain? Christopher Hitchens? Great imagination, Josh. Some of the replies were even worse:

I was doing the jerkoff motion so hard while reading the last one that my arm got tired. Anyway, since the original respondents to this question seem to mostly be either children or cowards, we here at The Heartbeat of Next have decided to give the gift of a new heartbeat to three people each, who I imagine absolutely do not want that at all.

As for me, my three are James Baldwin, Emma Goldman, and Saddam Hussein. The first two are self-explanatory, as they’re two of the most brilliant and influential thinkers of the 20th century. And as for the third, well, it’s just really funny to me to think about Saddam being a regular panelist on Meet the Press.

Sam Grasso, staff writer

Selena: I know I’m supposed to be joking here but this isn’t even a joke, she died too soon and I cry every time I watch J Lo sing “Dreaming of You.”

Molly Ivins: Fine, still not joking. Much has been romanticized and said about what the late journalist would say about Donald Trump. I don’t know if it’s a Texan thing, and I don’t know if it’s a media thing, but I’ve heard and read that her moral compass is strongly missed.

George Washington: What would the founders…….say about THIS……………

Hamilton Nolan, senior writer

I think three cave men because they wouldn’t understand our modern conveniences and their wonder would put our lives into perspective.

Albert Burneko, Deadspin staff writer

Molly Osberg, Jezebel staff writer

“Fred Trump Sr. is really the only one I can conjure. Also maybe whichever dead person is carrying a deadly, frozen strain of the next bubonic plague. And uh…” (We never got a third answer.)

Aleks Chan, editor-in-chief

Mine are: Gawker.com, Kurt Cobain, Jesus Christ.

Patrick Redford, Deadspin staff writer

The Father, The Son, And The Holy Spirit.

Jack Mirkinson, deputy editor

Chris Thompson, Deadspin staff writer

Benji, Lassie, Clifford. Benji would say “woof woof,” Lassie would say “woof,” and Clifford would say “WOOF.”

Katie McDonough, Jezebel senior editor

Wolf Blitzer, Barbara Walters, Joe Biden.

Jack Crosbie, Splinter contributor

Hannibal (the one from Carthage), Alexander Hamilton (but as a bloodthirsty zombie resurrected specifically at a Broadway showing of Hamilton) and Hamilton Nolan.

Caitlin Schneider, social media editor

People like to tell themselves that celebrities die in groups of three because if death is game, maybe we can win?? The most oft-cited example is Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson (in late June 2009), but if I were going to resurrect a death day trio to comment on our current hellscape, I would go with Prince, Chyna, and Doris Roberts, who all died within a few days of each other in 2016, just 7 months before the election. I don’t feel that this needs to be explained.

 
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