Dumb Starbucks Man: Winter Sets In


Welcome again to Dumb Starbucks (Man), the series where we examine the very dumb things that Howard Schultz keeps saying as he pretends to run for president.

May 8

Weather: Morose

Dumb Starbucks Man Stupidity Level: Grande, left undrunk in a trash can

Some dreams are in the night time
And some seem like yesterday
But leaves turn brown and fade
Ships sail away
You long to say a thousand words
But seasons change.

Those are the words of Exposé’s 1987 hit “Seasons Change,” but they could have been written about our favorite presidential candidate. Some dreams come true; others fade away, like the fleeting long summer nights of youth. Seasons change. Presidential campaigns turn brown and fade.

This appears to be what is happening to Howard Schultz, per the Daily Beast:

But in the past two weeks, Schultz has largely disappeared, leaving the impression that the presidential campaign he was flirting with won’t actually come to fruition.
According to Facebook’s ad archives, Schultz has not run an ad on the platform since April 23, when his account posted a spot that declared “It’s Time To Un-Partisan.” Since Easter, Schultz has tweeted just twice.

Our boy has “not posted to Facebook or Instagram since April 30.”

The campaign also canceled events in Utah, California, and Texas. The campaign told the Daily Beast that Schultz is “taking a break while he is recovering from back surgery.” But one imagines that the posting could continue without him.

Perhaps Howard will be back, to share such insights as “leadership is good” and “I am basically a troop.” But perhaps, like the first night of cool air in October, his absence is a sign that nothing gold can stay. All verdant life and burgeoning promise turns one day to dust; so, too, will Howard Schultz’ shitty campaign, which he has never actually announced.

Today, we do not say goodbye to the Schultz campaign; we merely raise a solemn Grande cup in recognition of the farewell soon to come. Rest well, prince. We will be with you ‘til the end.

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