How to fix the Secret Service, starting with Steven Seagal


Secret Service Director Julia Pierson resigned Wednesday following a major security breach at the White House last week, when a knife-carrying man took a quick running tour of what should be one the best-guarded homes in America.

Pierson’s out, but fixing the Secret Service won’t be easy. There is, however, one guy who we think is up for the task.*

Steven Seagal. Proven. Tough.

Here’s why he’d be a great candidate to guard the most important leader in the free world:

1. He’s a Navy SEAL and counter-terrorist expert

Well, not really. But he played one in Under Siege (I and II), so he probably knows a lot about it.

2. He’s hard to kill, out for justice, and also a patriot (straight to video)

3. He’s been a cop

Sorta. He’s a reserve deputy chief in the Jefferson County, Louisiana. But that’s just a nod away from True Detectives territory.

4. He’s worldly, aware

He is a friend of the Native American, speaks Japanese, and knows stuff about Asia.

Also, he commands the respect of Vladimir Putin.

That’s not all. The guitar-playing polymath wrote a Jamaican dancehall song in 2005, with lyrics such as “me want the poonani” and “Let’s have a shot of rum / Then me can make you come” (sung with fake Jamaican accent, awesome hair).

5. He’s a teacher, and a leader

Seagal trained a posse of armed volunteers in Arizona, teaching them how to guard schools. “They are our treasures and we have to protect them,” Seagal said of the students, presumably before collecting his paycheck.

6. Seagal brings business skills to the public sector

Employees dozing on the job? Not under the watch of the guy who invented his own energy drink. Seagal Enterprises is another sign this guy can reform the agency.

7. He understands the art of a coverup

When rumors spread that a judo expert choked Seagal until he passed out and soiled his pants, Seagal denied it (at least according to a Vice article entitled “Steven Seagal is the lamest guy ever”).

8. He looks official in a suit — and his hair inspires confidence

Slicked back, ponytailed, frizzy mullet: it’s the kind of hair that can carry you through any congressional hearing / third marriage.

“I have no fear of death. More important, I don’t fear life.” That’s what his hair says.

*No one** who worked on this article thinks Steven Seagal should actually be allowed to guard the president.

**except for Tim

Fidel Martinez is an editor at He’s also a Texas native and a lifelong El Tri fan.

Ted Hesson was formerly the immigration editor at Fusion, covering the issue from Washington, D.C. He also writes about drug laws and (occasionally) baseball. On the side: guitars, urban biking, and fiction.

Tim Rogers, Fusion’s senior editor for Latin America, was born a gringo to well-meaning parents, but would rather have been Nicaraguan. Also, he’s the second hit on Google when you search for “Guatemalan superhero.” Tim was a Nieman Fellow in 2014.

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