I Never Want to Hear Another Goddamn Word About Cuomo and de Blasio Being 'Progressives'


Last night, the news broke that—despite months of pretending this wasn’t a forgone conclusion and that the next HQ really could be in Nowhere, USA if the local bureaucrats would just conscript every resident into working in a warehouse—Amazon is expanding to both Long Island City in Queens and Arlington, VA.

This was cause for an effusive gesture of armistice between two avowed political rivals: New York Gov. Andrew “Amazon” Cuomo, who just won another term, and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. The two men held a joint press conference this afternoon to jerk each other off about the historic “economic impact” that Amazon laying down roots will have in their overlapping jurisdictions.

I won’t even bother rehashing the dozens of figures both politicians rattled off as self-evident reasons why this is supposedly going to be a great thing, like the “direct and indirect” jobs and “green space” that will be created. All of them are ways to quantify the positive “impacts” to be foisted upon us if we, the taxpayers, will just overlook investing nearly $50,000 into each Amazon job created, among myriad other incentives.

Here are just a few of the choice empty slogans deployed by Cuomo:

  • The world “nucleus” to describe job creation linked to Amazon
  • “You want to be ahead of the economic curve”
  • “For us, it’s about being a part of the economy of tomorrow”

Then it was de Blasio’s turn. He said that “Amazon will benefit from being in an environment that’s pro-union”—without saying he’d be willing to push them an inch on labor rights—before delivering one for the ages.

“One of the biggest companies on earth next to the biggest public housing development in the United States—the synergy is going to be extraordinary,” he told reporters.

“The synergy is going to be extraordinary.”

The synergy? It’s going to be extraordinary. This will be the epithet on the mausoleum of “elected progressives,” who fail us time and time again.

During his most recent campaign—which feels like it was years ago, already—Cuomo frequently touted his reputation as a “progressive.” (“I’m not a socialist, I’m not 25 years old,” Cuomo also memorably said.) Across two campaigns, de Blasio has heralded himself as an angel of the dawning “progressive” era.

Enough. Prostrating yourself at Jeff Bezo’s feet is not “progressive” in any sense of the word. It’s pure, unadulterated, capitalist hell, a “job creator” feather in both of their caps—and nothing more.

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