Amateurs in This Yogurt Game Can't Tell You The Best Yogurt–But I Can

By Hamilton Nolan  |  August 28, 2019 | 5:03pm
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In this yogurt game, amateurs come, and amateurs go. If you follow the amateurs—I wish you luck. You’ll need it. Because if you want to find the best yogurt, you’re gonna need to ask a true professional. Good thing I know one (me).

Quick “history lesson” on the yogurt front: Yogurt was invented in Mesopotamia in 5000 BC. Later on, I determined what the best Greek yogurt was: Fage. Never had Fage? Then you never had Greek yogurt. You’re eating Chobani? You’re eating that cow piss, baby. Get yourself together when it comes to yogurt.

Of course, it has been years since Fage’s domination of the yogurt arena became definitive. It is only natural that amateur critics will try to snipe it off its perch and take credit for a revolution in the pantheon. Like ballet or industrial design, yogurt rating is a field that many people imagine they can do, until they are crushed by a falling archway, metaphorically. Every so often we get something like this:

I’m currently chuckling aggressively at this attempt by a journalist to “freelance” his way into the yogurt game. Excuse me—please stick to having a far more successful career and a much greater level of professional respect in the national media than me, and leave the yogurt criticism to a pro. Okay? Please. It’s all I have. I’m a desperate man.

Or even this:

Too absurd to warrant a comment. My time is simply too valuable.

It is not just “social media” where such outrages occur. Witness this farcical story published on a professional food site, titled “The Most Comprehensive Guide to Yogurt You’ll Find on the Internet.” Oh? Is it? Really? How interesting… because this execrable piece of dairy slander DOESN’T EVEN INCLUDE FAGE AT ALL. AT ALL. Although it does include “oat milk” yogurt, so that tells you everything you need to know.

The MSM frequently has no freaking idea, about yogurt stories. Here I see an AP story reporting that “Chobani has opened a $21 million research and development center in south-central Idaho.” Yeah I bet they are—they better research and develop some yogurt that doesn’t taste like piss!

And yet that line is nowhere to be found in the story.

As I conclude my column today, I will “give the people what they want”—an updated ruling on what the best yogurt, is. Is the best yogurt still Fage yogurt? In fact, it is not. Fage is still a very high quality creamy Greek yogurt, but it has now been surpassed. By what?

Noosa Yogurt. Plain Noosa yogurt is now the best yogurt. Buy it and try it. I think you’ll agree.

It’s pretty hard to find the plain flavor. All their sweet flavors are good too—but what am I eating here, dessert? No, I’m eating yogurt—an any time treat. For that reason I want the plain yogurt. Noosa plain yogurt. (They call it “yoghurt.” Doesn’t matter. It’s yogurt, believe me.) Go eat it and tell me if I’m lying. I’m not—it’s the best.

Noosa yogurt (plain).

 
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