Amateurs in This Yogurt Game Can't Tell You The Best Yogurt–But I Can
In this yogurt game, amateurs come, and amateurs go. If you follow the amateurs—I wish you luck. You’ll need it. Because if you want to find the best yogurt, you’re gonna need to ask a true professional. Good thing I know one (me).
Quick “history lesson” on the yogurt front: Yogurt was invented in Mesopotamia in 5000 BC. Later on, I determined what the best Greek yogurt was: Fage. Never had Fage? Then you never had Greek yogurt. You’re eating Chobani? You’re eating that cow piss, baby. Get yourself together when it comes to yogurt.
Of course, it has been years since Fage’s domination of the yogurt arena became definitive. It is only natural that amateur critics will try to snipe it off its perch and take credit for a revolution in the pantheon. Like ballet or industrial design, yogurt rating is a field that many people imagine they can do, until they are crushed by a falling archway, metaphorically. Every so often we get something like this:
I’m currently chuckling aggressively at this attempt by a journalist to “freelance” his way into the yogurt game. Excuse me—please stick to having a far more successful career and a much greater level of professional respect in the national media than me, and leave the yogurt criticism to a pro. Okay? Please. It’s all I have. I’m a desperate man.