The best way to read Apple press releases: Replace every adjective with 'neato'

By Fusion Staff  |  September 9, 2015 | 9:09pm
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Reading about new tech products can be something of a slog. Press releases tend to exaggerate both the impact and the creativity of what are generally slightly improved software and hardware models; the adjectives, in particular, can often go a little over-the-top.

At this year’s Apple event, for example, the iPad Pro’s larger screen size was deemed “epic” by Apple PR. The new software on Apple TV, meanwhile, was described as “revolutionary,” “unique,” and “compelling.” The new iPhone was also judged to be “revolutionary,” as well as “powerful” and “transformative.”

But here’s a radical thought for you: What if instead of trying to cut through the spin of these press releases, you just replaced every adjective with the word “neato”?

It turns out this simple trick makes everything a lot more palatable!

I started with last year’s iPhone press release:

Then, after Apple’s event I moved onto its new iPhones, replacing almost every adjective with “neato” or “super neato” or “neat,” wherever it made sense:

What if the iPads could be neato? They could, with the power of the internet:

The brand new Apple TV, too, could definitely be described as neato. The new features sure are neat, aren’t they?

It even works for old press releases:

As well as Apple’s rivals:

Here’s hoping that Apple, and many other technology companies, follow this lead and begin to describe every single one of their products, features, upgrades, and capabilities as “neato” or some derivation thereof. If we could all tone down our rhetoric, that would be—you guessed it—super-duper neato.

 
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