The craziest secrets on 'Quantico,' ranked

Quantico, ABC’s delightfully soapy new drama set both at the FBI Academy and in the immediate aftermath of a terorrist attack on New York City, isn’t showing any signs of getting less crazy.

As Assistant Director Miranda Shaw says, “There’s always someone who knows something you don’t.” After just two episodes, here is a rundown of some of the characters’ nuttiest outstanding secrets. (Full disclosure: Fusion is a joint venture of Univision and ABC.)

[Proceed with caution: this post is teeming with spoilers.]

10. Analyst Elias Harper discovers that Simon’s glasses are fake, but then later, he finds that the glass has been replaced with actual prescription lenses. Whatever this is meant to accomplish, it can’t be worth the potential damage to Simon’s vision, right?

9. Agent trainee-turned-analyst Caleb has a secret Facebook page under the name Mark Raymond. Please tell me that this is going to turn into a crossover with Catfish.

8. Shelby deletes a contact written in what appears to be Arabic from her phone, on which she later has a conversation in a foreign language. (I mean, yeah, she’s a blonde, Southern debutante, but maybe she took a few language classes in college?)

7. New trainee Nathalie, a former cop, has a nasty fake scar behind her ear.

6. Liam confirms that Parrish’s dad—whom her mom a teenage Parrish killed in self-defense—worked for the FBI, but the exact details of his job remain mysterious. (By the way, did we ever find out what that thing Alex was hiding under the rug in her bedroom was?)

5. Something bad went down in the past with Miranda’s son, which may also relate to the fact that Liam says she saved a private school two years ago and that the perp (her son?) is up for parole.

4. Booth is actually an undercover agent, spying on Parrish.

3. Shaw knows Booth’s an undercover agent, but believes he’s spying on her, a misconception that her ex and Academy staff counselor Liam O’Connor—who is constantly meeting up with Booth in the woods to give him direct orders about spying on Parrish—doesn’t bother to correct. Okay, guys.

2. Despite being hailed as the FBI’s first openly gay agent trainee, Simon (who also got into Gaza under mysterious circumstances back in 2011) probably isn’t. His ex-boyfriends say he’s a virgin, we know he staged the romantic photo on display in his room, and he has a pretty painfully obvious crush on Nimah/Raina. Speaking of…

1. Trainee Amin is actually two people. Twins: Nimah and Raina. Miranda is behind it, Liam knows that Miranda’s behind it, but we don’t know why any of this is happening. Will we ever? Unclear.

Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion’s Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.