One Amazing Trend Proves That Millennials Suck Just as Much as Their Suburban Parents

Once upon a time, not long ago, there was a strong media narrative that Millennials were “cool.” Now, as happens with every generation, the inexorable passing of time is revealing that Millennials are not cool—and are, in fact, just as wack as their damn parents. The numbers don’t lie.

Yeah millennials, real cool. Grew up in the suburbs and found out that the suburbs fuckin suck. So they moved to the big cities to do “street art” and convert warehouses into loft spaces, with drug money. Or so we thought. In fact, real government data now proves that millennials are doing one of the most uncool possible things they could do:

MOVING BACK TO THE FREAKING SUBURBS!!!

In fact, almost all of the fastest-growing cities in America are suburbs, swelling with young homebuyers seeking lower prices and a higher quality of life than the crowded, expensive cities can offer. From the Wall Street Journal:

Millennials priced out of popular big cities are flocking to Frisco, Texas, Nolensville, Tenn., Lakewood Ranch, Fla., and Scottdale, Ga.—not exactly household names but among the fastest-growing destinations in the U.S.

“The back-to-the-city trend has reversed,” said William Frey, a demographer at the Brookings Institution, citing last year’s census data.

Millennials, the generation now ages 23 to 38, are no longer as rooted as they were after the economic downturn. Many are belatedly getting married and heading to the suburbs, just as their parents and grandparents did.

Yeah. The famed Millennial generation, which not long ago was “too cool” to even properly assemble a sandwich, is now all grown up and employed as a “digital strategist” at a marketing firm and looking for a home with a “mud room” and a yard with a sprinkler system that young Williamson Herb Crispacio can play in as dad grills “Impossible Burgers” and plays Yeezy on a “bluetooth” speaker. Well well well. Sure sounds to me like this Millennial generation is nothing but an updated version of its bitch ass parents and grandparents generation! Not so anti-establishment now are you, motherfuckers???

I know what you’re saying: “Hamilton, your childish analysis does not take into account the dreadful economic hit the Millennial generation took in the Great Recession as well as the inflated urban housing prices and student loan debt caused by the selfishness of policies enacted by their elders. It is quite unfair and short-sighted to blame them for seeking affordable housing options and quality of life wherever they can find them.”

To that I say: Your kids will be doing a ton of molly and calling you a sellout within ten years. Why don’t you just go practice some golf you old ass bitch?

I’m fucking out of here, dad