Rudy Giuliani Is Getting Into the Coffee Business and Is Definitely Not Broke

Trumpland Rudy Giuliani
Rudy Giuliani Is Getting Into the Coffee Business and Is Definitely Not Broke

In a shocking turn of events, someone who worked for Donald Trump in the past needs money now, as former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is looking for new ideas to pay down his staggering nine-figure debt. As I write this, he is hosting episode 7 of his Twitter show, The Rudy Giuliani Show, shilling for any help that can get him out of this debtor’s prison he has placed himself in.

In the background, you can see a bag of coffee with young Giuliani’s face on it, which is the newest vertical in Rudy Really Needs to Pay His Bills Inc.

Man this is so great. We may not have any control over powerful people anymore but hubris still sure does. You can practically smell the sweaty desperation coming through the screen.

First off, where is he supposed to be here? Is this some 1950’s kitchen that was teleported into a modern New York City penthouse? Who the hell designed this half-assed Zoom background?

The bags themselves are clearly marketed to America’s retirees yearning for the 1950s, as demonstrated by the showcase medium blend putting America’s Mayor in front of idyllic small town mid-20th century America.

Description of all three bags to come in the story

The bold flavored dark roast hearkens back to Giuliani’s time fighting the mob as a United States Attorney in the 1980s, and it depicts younger Rudy ready to kick some mobsters’ asses as Lady Liberty watches on in front of the whole city.

I’m not sure why the medium blend in color takes place further back in time than the dark roast in black and white does, plus the older one contains the older version of Rudy. My head hurts. I wouldn’t recommend thinking about this stuff any harder than Giuliani did anyway, which based on the production value of all this is clearly not much.

I wonder if the dark roast contains any of the same shit that was flooding out of his hair when he was helping to build this mountain of debt he’s trapped underneath.

Giuliani promises the decaf to be the “best you’ll ever have,” and one can’t help but wonder if putting retired Rudy lounging on a beach on that bag was his attempt at some dark magic to try to transport himself to a realm where he didn’t work for Donald Trump.

I do have to give Rudy some credit, as he gives away the grift by saying “you’re also supporting our cause, the cause of truth, justice and American democracy.”

Look at how this dude says “our!”

Giuliani presses both hands to his chest as he says "our"

The website is even crazier. What the fuck is this picture! Is it AI? Is it some of the worst photoshop in human history? I genuinely cannot tell. In a way, it actually makes it kind of impressive.

I must buy some of this coffee. At first this was just going to be a jokey post about one of the easiest targets in politics, but now I am genuinely intrigued and must do some journalism. If this is what this whole operation looks like, what does the coffee taste like? This is one of mankind’s great mysteries and I intend to find out the truth.

Stay tuned for part two as soon as this shitshow ships my order (hopefully) in June.

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