Sorry, eating grilled cheese sandwiches will not get you laid

Everyone knows grilled cheese sandwiches are one of mankind’s greatest creations—but one thing they have not been scientifically proven to do is get you laid. (If anything, they probably stop sex from happening because cheese, gluten, butter … hello, fart city.)

Why do I even have to say this? Well, a “study” came out this week—which every media outlet and their mother covered—claiming that people who like grilled cheese sandwiches have more sex. Specifically, 73 percent of people who love grilled cheese have sex at least once a month versus 67 percent of those who don’t. And, 32 percent of grilled cheese lovers have sex at least six times a month, compared to 27 percent of those who don’t.

First of all, the “study” was actually a survey, so the results are mere correlation. For example, I could walk outside my house right now and start polling people in Santa Monica about whether they love tacos and how often they go to the beach. Then I could conclude something like, “People who love tacos go to the beach more than people who don’t!” No, a lot of people love tacos, but I only polled people AT THE BEACH.

My point is that the survey results only apply to a very specific group: the 4,609 people on the dating / networking site Skout who took the survey—and that’s it. It was not a random sampling, it’s skewed to a specific demographic. I am not on Skout, I don’t know these people. But their press rep said they’re mostly between the ages of 18 and 34, and because it’s primarily a dating site, one can assume many of its users are single.

So, really, the results should probably say that single people who also use Skout and like grilled cheese are more likely to have sex once a month than single people on Skout who don’t like grilled cheese. Not quite as clickable that way, is it?

Which brings me to my next question: WHO THE EFF DOESN’T LIKE GRILLED CHEESE?

According to Skout, 86 percent of people said they liked the magical cheese sandwiches. So, when looking at the stats, you have to remember that you’re comparing a pool of roughly 3,964 grilled cheese lovers to a pool of 645 crazy non-grilled cheese lovers.

The last point I’ll make is that having sex once a month is not that much—so the main finding of the survey really doesn’t mean anything at all!

According to the Kinsey Institute—you know, the professionals who study this stuff for a living—32 to 36 percent of partnered people aged 25 to 39 report having sex several times a month to weekly. An additional 27 to 39 percent report having sex two to three times per week. As for singles in that age group, roughly a quarter or more report having sex a few times per month to weekly.

Kinda makes it seem like grilled cheese lovers are lacking, when you look at it through that lens.

Remember what I said about fart city, though. That sh*t’s real.

Taryn Hillin is Fusion’s love and sex writer, with a large focus on the science of relationships. She also loves dogs, Bourbon barrel-aged beers and popcorn — not necessarily in that order.