Dumb Starbucks Man Has Precisely Two Thoughts


Welcome again to Dumb Starbucks (Man), the series where we examine the very dumb things that Howard Schultz keeps saying as he pretends to run for president.

April 5

Weather: Bad

Dumb Starbucks Man Stupidity Level: Venti, extra hot

MSNBC is not usually the place you would expect to see any kind of questioning of the rich, particularly Howard Schultz. However, today we were pleasantly surprised to see Dumb Starbucks Man on the network getting lightly roasted, like a Blonde Roast bean destined for a disappointing coffee.

Host Ali Velshi pressed Schultz, like a Turkey & Pesto Panini (540 calories), on his contention that the two parties’ inability to work together is to blame for economic inequality, and boy did he struggle to respond:

The moment where Velshi asks Schultz why economic inequality is present in other countries, like Britain and Germany, if it’s all to do with Democrats and Republicans, is pretty wonderful. Ol’ Howie has not a thought in that head of his there. Velshi has gone somewhere he cannot follow, logic-wise. Other… countries? Global… inequality? Ger….many?

Schultz, of course, as all of these dumb guys do, pivots back to “leadership.” In response to a question about economic inequality, he said: “I am talking about the lack of leadership and understanding of the fiscal responsibility of elected officials to do the right thing for the American people.” Don’t you morons get it? I’m talking about leadership!

“Fiscal responsibility” is neither a direct nor indirect answer to anything about inequality. Neither the deficit nor the debt is the reason for inequality. Of course, even if Howard knew what he was talking about, his ideology would not permit him to answer that question honestly, since that might involve admitting he would rather people like him continue not to pay more in taxes even if economic inequality persists. But I believe, in this moment, poor, simple Howard had no idea what was happening. He just doesn’t get it.

I’m not here talking about all these countries, I’m talking about America!, he protests, because you see, he’s running for president of America. Leadership! Fiscal responsibility! Coffee man! I am the coffee man! I built the coffee house! President! Me president!


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