Donald Trump: Get Behind Single Payer Healthcare, Idiot

Donald Trump. Listen. I don’t want to get political. We can all agree that you are fundamentally a ideology-free narcissist piece of shit. Well have I got a deal for you.

Your healthcare “reform” bill just failed. It failed for many reasons. It failed because it was bad and extremely unpopular. It failed because it fell in the sweet spot between total abdication of healthcare as a government responsibility, which is what ultra-conservatives want, and a strong (or at least, stronger) government-supported healthcare system, which is what liberals want. And beyond the weakness of its policies, it failed because you, the guy who spent one solid year hollering about how horrible Obamacare is and how you’re gonna get rid of it, don’t really have any fucking idea what you’re doing in there. Do you? No. All you did was memorize one thing about selling insurance across state lines. The rest was just yelling.

Your total ignorance of the details of healthcare policy (among many other policies) could be a drawback for your presidency. Or, it could be an opportunity. One of your greatest strengths as a politician and weaknesses as a moral human is that you don’t actually believe in anything, except “the glory of Donald Trump.” Even to describe you as a Republican misses the point—you would have certainly run as a Democrat or a Socialist or a Moon Man if that would have been the easiest way to vault yourself to political stardom. You lack the interest in and knowledge of the state of the world that might lead you to possess a genuine ideology. You don’t really care what your policies are. You only care that they enhance the perception of you as a WINNER. You found your home in the dregs of the racist right, but you landed there because it presented an opportunity for you to build a base, not because of some deeply felt beliefs. You can’t even be bothered to keep your beliefs consistent from day to day. The only one that appears without fail is self-regard.

It’s true that your lust for power completely uncoupled from ethical beliefs of any sort make you a monster. It is also true that beady-eyed opportunist nationalist fucks like you are a dime a dozen in the annals of history, and always end in disgrace, usually causing mountains of misery for regular people along the way. Okay. That’s you. I’m not here to judge. Setting that aside for a moment, let’s focus on the related facts that A) You crave a WIN on healthcare, and B) You have no real beliefs. You already tried the Paul Ryan route, and that was a failure. You already spoke out publicly against the extreme right wingers in your own party who opposed you. Fuck them! They didn’t help you when you needed them to pass your dumbass horrible bill. So far this whole “health care” thing has been a god damn fiasco for the Trump brand.

What you need to do now is go in a different direction. The opposite direction. Consider this name: Bernie Sanders. Remember him? You know him, sure. You kept saying nice things about him through the whole campaign in a transparent attempt to draw the most hopelessly gullible segment of his voting base over to you. Well, he plans to introduce single payer healthcare legislation this month. Medicare for everyone. You remember how you said, quote, “I want everyone to have coverage”? This is that! And the last bill you were pushing—the one that failed, that everyone hated, that stupid Paul Ryan came up with—was not that.

What do you have to lose? You don’t have any better ideas, you shallow fucking dickhead.

You’re dangerously short of WINS. Your approval ratings are pathetic. You desperately need to find new fans. Also, Americans need a rational, functional health care system. This is quite a confluence of overlapping opportunities. Since you don’t actually hold any philosophical, economic, or political beliefs, you can afford to be flexible. The bill that would have taken health insurance away from millions of people was not popular—so why not throw your weight behind a bill that would provide health insurance to millions more people? You get it? Donald? You simplistic little ho bag? Bernie Sanders has already said he is willing to work with you. Go tell him that you are now supporting single payer healthcare. You will throw your critics for a loop. You will attract the praise of millions of new fans. Imagine: people clapping! For you! And who is going to be mad at you if you do this? Paul Ryan? He already failed! The Freedom Caucus? You’re already at war with them! The insurance companies? You already insulted them throughout your whole campaign! The plain fact is that single payer healthcare needs a strong Republican ally to ever have a chance of success, and it would make you incredibly popular with an entirely new segment of voters. And since nobody expects much consistency from you anyhow, you could pull it off without raising too many eyebrows. Just say something about “making deals.”