Dear clowns planning to have a 'Clown Lives Matter' march: DON'T DO IT.


How’s it going clowns? The real clowns I mean—the ones who have studied the art of mummery and put in solid time doing pratfalls. Can we talk for a second? Pull up a comically-undersized chair and let’s get real for a moment.

Can we please kill Clown Lives Matter before it spreads?

For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m referring to an upcoming parade on Oct. 15 in Tucson, AZ, that’s being organized as a response to spooky clown sightings across the country. Here’s a helpful graphic local news station ABC 15 ran that I think sums the event up pretty succinctly.

The words “Clown Lives Matter” have also shown up in Pennsylvania, where local TV station Fox 43 reports Snuggles the Clown, AKA Jordan Jones, has started a Facebook group by the same name.

“You know my family they fear for my life now. My sister, she don’t want me doing this anymore,” Jones told Fox 43.

This needs to stop right now.

I don’t think any reasonable person would argue that you, the True Clowns, are the aggrieved party in the recent spate of clown hysteria sweeping the country like a bad meme. Yours is a noble, misunderstood profession and the only thing you are guilty of is wanting to make people laugh.

But I promise you, no one will be laughing if you say “Clown Lives Matter.” I think you will find reaction to that phrase will be similar to a police report of a scary clown in an area: the immediate flight of all people from public spaces followed shortly after by angry crowds looking for someone to blame.

You’re not the first group to try and appropriate the “Black Lives Matter” phrase. Racists, police, pizzerias; a lot of other people have tried this. Just based on prior evidence, it’s never gone over super-well.

Consider for a moment that Black Lives Matter, both as a phrase and as a political movement, came into being to fight the murder of black men and women by law enforcement. While I have no doubt the current crisis facing clowndom is dire, maybe ask: is it as dire as centuries of slavery, institutionalized racism and consistent targeting by law enforcement?

I’m going to appropriate a different phrase that I suggest as your motto instead: WWMMD? What Would Marcel Marceau Do? He would take it on the chin like an invisible blow from an invisible assailant, then probably blow away in an invisible breeze.

And maybe lay off the grease paint in public until after Halloween.

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