The latest edition of the newsletter sent to every Millennial in the world

By Fusion Staff  |  August 31, 2016 | 3:52pm
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Hello Fellow Millennials,

Thank you for subscribing to this, the newsletter sent to all Millennials in the world. Everyone here at the Millennial High Council wanted to recap a few of the decisions made at our last shadowy cabal meeting, which, as you know, dictates the behavior of every Millennial everywhere.

As you remember, we decided last year that Millennials will no longer be using bars of soap, spearmint toothpaste, travel agents, or Velcro.

Furthermore, later this year Millennials will be killing open floor plans, cranberry juice, the Sunday wedding, and attendance at water parks.

In more positive news, Millennials should be preparing for the return of landline telephones, pinball, ferret ownership, Savage Garden, the handjob, and drive-in movie theaters.

And get excited to help launch the latest Millennial exercise trend: It’s called PaddleJam, and it’s like SoulCycle, except you do it naked and in a beached canoe.

Also, please be aware of the following:

  • Sexting is no longer cool.
  • Au Bon Pain is fine but Pret A Manger is NOT.
  • We’re all getting into Ska music again.
  • The new acceptable slang term for “good” is “Michael Bolton” (Example sentence: “That new Gatorade cleanse endorsed by Danny Glover is totally Bolton”).
  • The emoji can represent a penis now.
  • The hot new winter haircut for men is the bowl cut.
  • The hot new winter haircut for women is shaving your head like Demi Moore in G.I. Jane.
  • Soylent? No.

We also want to answer a few questions sent in via the group Slack channel, which every Millennial participates in and which allows our demographic to act as a unified body.

What are the cities that I can move to, as a Millennial?

The acceptable cities for 2017 are: Minneapolis, Atlanta, Fort Worth, Denver (suburbs), Reno, Budapest, Canada (all), Perth, and Roswell, New Mexico.

What are the cool jobs that I can have, as a Millennial?

The cool jobs are lifestyle entrepreneur, YouTube preacher, professional roller derby player, post-digital actuary, Internet scold, RoboCop, and celebrity foot masseuse.

What are the jobs that I should no longer want, as a Millennial?

The jobs that are no longer attractive to Millennials are prune farmer, real estate broker, military drone operator, podiatrist, member of the Flaming Lips, and subway grifter.

What are the acceptable working situations for a Millennial?

Millennials should only want to work in an abandoned cigarette factory that has been converted into a co-living ziggurat space, or a Men’s Wearhouse that is renting out office space to Gatsby-era fashion vloggers.

Tiny houses?

Not anymore.

What time do Millennials go to sleep?

Millennials go to sleep at 11:17 P.M.

What are some simple life skills that every Baby Boomer knows, but that Millennials are lacking?

The ability to pump air into a dirigible or zeppelin; perform CPR on a dog; kill and debone a turkey; deliver a roundhouse kick into the solar-plexus of a thief; change the tires on an armored tank; strip the copper out of an abandoned railroad tie; fashion an emergency torch from the femur of your sherpa; open a tuna can with a shiv.

What is the next “Smooth” by Santana feat. Rob Thomas?

The next “Smooth” by Santana feat. Rob Thomas is “Smooth” by Santana feat. Rob Thomas.

The above changes to Millennial protocol go into effect immediately, or whenever you return from adult summer camp. In the meantime, continue renting but not buying your homes and putting off marriage for 5.7 years longer than your parents.

If you have any questions, feel free to reach out either via Slack, Snapchat, or Spongebath, the hot new ephemeral messaging app that the print media has yet to discover and ruin.

Thanks everyone, and stay Bolton!

Sincerely,

The Millennial High Council

 
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