Our loins are ready for The Rock as Disney's 'Jungle Cruise' skipper

By Fusion Staff  |  August 20, 2015 | 8:52pm
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According to The Hollywood Reporter, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has been cast in the upcoming Disney theme-park-ride-themed-romp The Jungle Cruise. At first we had our doubts (how can a 15-minute pun-filled ride in the Anaheim/Orlando Amazon be translated into a feature length film???), but then we remembered DJ Rock-Body’s biceps and forgot our hesitation.

Besides, Pirates of the Caribbean was a massive franchise and inspired some major updates to the classic Magic Kingdom attraction, so it can be done…

The film will throwback to a 1950’s fantasy of the “jungle” a la 1951’s African Queen. With that in mind, here’s our list of demands for the script:

  • Dirt, sweat, and danger. DON’T SKIMP. We like our Rock dirty and sweaty and dangerous, OKAY?
  • ALL THE PUNS. Silly puns. Dad puns. Zaddy puns. Stupid puns. If he doesn’t reference “the backside of water” (or his backside at some point) we’re gonna be pissed.
  • Call back to his infamous SNL sketch. You know the one…In the jungle?
  • Gratuitous shirtlessness. If they have to spare some plot to make this happen, we’re totally okay with it.
  • Some endangered animals we guess?
  • ‘Splosions.
  • Lip-syncing for some family fun. It is Disney, right?

As for the actual ride, maybe they can update it and just have a large, muscle-bound, racially-ambiguous man carry us back and forth from Space Mountain to Splash Mountain? Just brainstorming here.

Images via Spike TV, NBC/SNL, Instagram
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Akilah Hughes is a comedian, YouTuber, and staff writer and producer for Fusion’s culture section. You can almost always find her waxing poetic about memes and using too many emojis.

 
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