Weather alert: Hurricane Zayn is destroying everything in his path

By Fusion Staff  |  August 17, 2015 | 10:31pm
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Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris fans are taking shelter today amidst storm warnings caused by Hurricane Zayn Malik, which has been notorious for spontaneously changing direction. Fans first got a taste of the storm’s power with this weekend’s destructive retweet supporting his ex-girlfriend Perrie’s nemesis girl-group, Fifth Harmony:

Zayn’s winds continued to pick up force and speed in the direction of Taylor Swift following her performance with his ex’s group, Little Mix, at the Teen Choice Awards Sunday—and refused to let up this afternoon as another strong gust threatened to break the entire internet:

Parody account @FemaleTexts compared TayTay’s crusade for paid listens on Apple and Spotify to the seemingly selfless agenda of Miley Cyrus—who has in recent weeks hinted that her next album may be available for free since she doesn’t really need more money. The retweet’s strength (which grew 10-fold thanks to Hurricane Zayn’s nudge) spawned a series of Tropical Storm Calvin Harrises to form all over the place, but somehow nowhere near the point:

Which, in turn set off a chain reaction of hail and eclipsing storm clouds in Zayn’s fandom—so dark that scientists are now scrambling to find a more accurate word to describe shade of this depth and reach:

The tweet went back in time, citing Tropical Storm Calvin Harris’ previous transgressions against some of the strongest winds in pop music:

One tweet is causing widespread power outages, only adding to the shade and storms:

It pointed out that the couple’s net worth is reported somewhere north of $350 million—making Calvin Harris’s gust about “fighting for the basement musicians” seem trite and misdirected.

Hurricane Zayn uncharacteristically made a direct assault back onto the drizzle to which the Tropical Storm Calvin Harrises had been reduced:

Whatever was left of Tropical Storm Calvin Harris dried up entirely at the denture accusation, allowing Hurricane Zayn to go back on the offense, taking aim at all those celebs who dare cross him:

Hurricane Zayn, did, however, un-retweet the severe weather comparing Taylor to Miley—so perhaps clear skies are on the horizon. We’ll be following this storm closely and urge everyone to stay indoors, pop some popcorn, and lay low out of Zayn’s path.

Akilah Hughes is a comedian, YouTuber, and staff writer and producer for Fusion’s culture section. You can almost always find her waxing poetic about memes and using too many emojis.

 
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