Woman asks bear to not eat her kayak, but bears don't speak English :(

Mary Maley’s request was simple: bear, do not eat the kayak.

Unfortunately, bears don’t speak English. This, intuitively, makes sense. Of course bears don’t speak English! No animals speak English, besides dolphins. But when your $2,300 kayak is at stake, logic doesn’t exist. Out there in the wild, you gotta do anything you can to protect that kayak.

And so, as this video descends from Maley telling the bear, “I’m going to pepper spray you in the face” to the bear creeping over to the kayak, to Maley screaming “get away from the kayak,” and then, finally, Maley pleading, PLEADING, for the bear to stop breaking the kayak, it eventually enters a fascinating philosophical space.

“Why are you breaking my kayak?” she asks. “What am I gonna do? Why are you doing that? It’s the end of September. Why are you here? You’re supposed to be asleep! Gahhhh!”

How’s the bear going to answer these questions, Mary? How can anyone?

Michael Rosen is a reporter for Fusion based out of Oakland.