Self-Professed 'Bad Husband' Eminem Is on Tinder, Ladies

By Nona Willis Aronowitz | December 18, 2017 | 9:49pm

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If you’re perusing Tinder and within 100 miles of Eminem, you might come across his profile. You might be tempted to swipe right. As a person who fantasized about hate-fucking him in high school, I sympathize. It’d be a good story, he has at least one diamond-encrusted cock ring, and that one sex scene in 8 Mile is kind of hot. But before you do, please be advised that he might:

Physically abuse you
Verbally abuse you
Pistol-whip a dude he thinks you kissed
Slut-shame your favorite pop stars
Slut-shame the women who try to sleep with him on tour
Laugh after said slut-shaming (it’s funny!)
Embarrass you by waving his gun around at inopportune times
Subject you to some very bad fashion choices
Write songs about slitting your throat, putting Anthrax on a Tampax, and slapping you till you can’t stand
Drive you to attempt suicide

On a positive note, he hates his Trump supporter fans; he’s sorry, Kim; and he has pledged to “aim his fist at the drywall” next time. Happy swiping!