What Would You Do If You Got Beat Up By a Celeb?

By Hamilton Nolan  |  August 15, 2018 | 6:23pm
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Let’s say you’re out on the town one night, thinking you’re cool and fly as always, and you get your ass whooped by a “celeb.” How do you like that, tough guy? Now you face a big old quandary.

“What made you think of this, Hamilton?” It’s not because I got beat up by a celeb (yet), but rather because this guy here, “Trump supporter Tim Hildebrand of Galt, California,” went to a Social Distortion show and got himself beat up by the lead singer, for heckling him, about Trump being good. Idiot. Yes. We all agree that Tim Hildebrand of Galt, California is an idiot. But let’s look at the the big picture here.

SO YOU GOT YOUR ASS WHOOPED BY A CELEB

Wow. Bad for the ego, isn’t it? You always imagined, in the back of your mind, that you could beat up celebs, because they’re all rich and whatnot. Guess not. Turns out that a celeb beat up you.

Life is a surprise.

Now that you’ve been beat up by a celeb, you face a gut-wrenching choice. You have two fundamental options.

1. Don’t say shit. Slink away quietly. Try not to tell anyone you got beat up by a celeb. Hope that no one—or as few people as possible—will find out. Retain your dignity as best you can.

2. Sue that motherfucker for $$$$$$!!!

An obvious corollary of option two is that you will have to put your name and face and reputation “out there” and say to the whole wide world, “I got my ass whooped by a celeb—and I’m crying about it.” Wow. This is the option embraced by Tim Hildebrand of Galt, California, who will forevermore be known online as “the Trump-supporting moron who got his ass whooped by the lead singer of his favorite band, for heckling him, about Trump being good.” From this day forward everyone who cares too will know that Tim Hildebrand of Galt, California is not only a Trump-supporting moron—but one who got his ass whooped by a celeb. Embarrassing as fuck.

On the other hand he might get some money out of this.

So what would you do if you got your ass kicked by a celeb? If Justin Bieber smacked the shit of you, knocking you down, to your horror, humiliating you, destroying your self image? Run and hide? Or sue and burn your dignity atop a large monetary settlement?


I will do anything for a lot of money.

 
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