You Wallow In the Decadence of Affluence, Vainly Seeking an Easier Softer Way of Fitness 

Some have called Tonal “the Peloton of weightlifting.” I have another name for it: “Bullshit, for suckers, encapsulating the stultifying weakness at the heart of the decayed American soul, which ultimately sows the seeds of our destruction.”

What is Tonal, you ask? First, I congratulate you for not knowing. If you already knew what Tonal is that would likely mean that you are in the demographic of people who might conceivably purchase Tonal: white, affluent, and stupid. The traditional “destroyers of the world” demographic group. The majority of people alive right now who are already familiar with “Tonal” as a consumer product are the sort of people who, if they were to somehow disappear from the face of the earth—not necessarily by violent means, but possibly by some sort wormhole to a faraway world—would increase the chances of the rest of us both surviving climate change (because all these people buy tons of shit and fly all over the world for “holistic” vacations and say things like “global village” in a credulous tone) and decrease the chances that the rest of us will one day see a human consuming a $15 “green juice” drink while, at the same time, wearing leggings that cost more than $100.

Anyhow. What is Tonal, you ask? Endgadget informs us that Tonal is “a home weight training system that uses electromagnets.” Let me translate this to real talk: it’s two fuckin cables and a video screen where you watch some assholes tell you how to work out. And now the good part: “You’ll pay $2,995 for the system itself and then $49 per month for the service.”

Motherfucker I will do no such thing.

When they say “the service” they are referring to the ability to push a button on your absurdly expensive video screen and watch a video of some trainer say some shit like (I imagine) “okay, keep pulling the cable, yeah this is called a row, pull it then pull it again, keep doing that til you’re tired, that will be $49, idiot.” I for one would not pay a nickel for any robot, holographic, or “virtual” trainer to advise me on any matter. And I sincerely hope that it goes without saying that if you pay $2,995 for an adjustable cable system with a few handles on it you are the fitness equivalent of a criminal. For $2,995 you can buy an old set of barbells, a jump rope, a heavy bag, a dozen large rocks of varying sizes, and a corrugated tin shed to house it all in, and still have enough left over for a jar of peanut butter and a plastic spoon. Now that’s what I call A Fitness Journey. Whereas if you were to ask me what I would call Tonal, now that’s what I would call a Money Extortion System For Idiots Who Still Aren’t In Shape.

The proposition of Tonal and all types of other sleek, simple, easy, and expensive “fitness systems” is: You can get in shape the easier, softer way. I wonder if there is any popular wisdom relating to that idea???

You cannot buy fitness with money. You cannot buy it with green juice, nor with pricey leggings, nor with a Tonal Bullshit Cable System For Rich Idiots. You can only purchase fitness with a single currency, and that currency is calleth PAIN. You pay in PAIN and in return you receive PAIN and you learn to love PAIN and your body so embraceth PAIN that verily one day ye shall be reborn into PAIN (fitness).

I don’t want to hear one more word about this Tonal business unless it is DRIPPING WITH THE BLOOD OF THE RICH.