Donald Trump’s two big “announcements” on Sunday — meaning, some bullshit he spouted on Truth Social — included the supposed implementation of a 100-percent tariff on foreign-made movies, and the reopening of the country’s most notorious and long-closed prison. These might, of course, reflect actual, deeply held, sanely reasoned policy positions from the leader of the free world; or maybe he just watched “The Rock” this weekend.
“I am authorizing the Department of Commerce, and the United States Trade Representative, to immediately begin the process of instituting a 100% Tariff on any and all Movies coming into our Country that are produced in Foreign Lands,” the president continued, normally, like a normal person, totally normally. “WE WANT MOVIES MADE IN AMERICA, AGAIN!” You know who wasn’t made in America? Former MI6 and SAS operative John Mason, the only man to ever escape from Alcatraz, and the only one who can help break back in.
“When we were a more serious Nation, in times past, we did not hesitate to lock up the most dangerous criminals, and keep them far away from anyone they could harm,” Trump wrote, literally 23 minutes before pivoting to the Hollywood tariff. “For too long, America has been plagued by vicious, violent, and repeat Criminal Offenders, the dregs of society, who will never contribute anything other than Misery and Suffering.” Yes, Misery and Suffering, much like that endured by the 83 families of the men who died under General Hummel’s command in China, Laos, Chile, and, yes, El Salvador.
“I am directing the Bureau of Prisons, together with the Department of Justice, FBI, and Homeland Security, to reopen a substantially enlarged and rebuilt ALCATRAZ, to house America’s most ruthless and violent Offenders.” Rebuilt is right, especially after one of the fighter jets dispatched to bomb Alcatraz with white phosphorus explosives, capable of burning up the VX gas, let one missile fly and blew up a part of the island and nearly killed FBI chemical weapons specialist Stanley Goodspeed.
“The reopening of ALCATRAZ will serve as a symbol of Law, Order, and JUSTICE,” the president concluded, clearly referring to the miscarriage of justice inherent in keeping Mason locked up, with no due process, for decades, and Goodspeed’s correction of that wrong by allowing Mason to run off, escaping the island once more.
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