Here's what Google's Alphabet will look like in 2050

By Kashmir Hill  |  August 10, 2015 | 11:54pm
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On Monday Google announced plans for a corporate organization, one that reimagines Google as “a collection of companies” under an umbrella corporation named “Alphabet.” While the name “Alphabet” is presumably meant to convey the diversity of stuff Google has its hands in, we noticed Google’s new “collection” of companies, including Google X and Wing (its drone delivery effort), only accounts for a few letters of the alphabet. Actually, most of Google’s companies start with the letter “G.”

So we imagined what Google’s Alphabet might look in the future:

A is for Auto. Once self-driving cars hit the road en masse, Google auto expands to include a line of self-driving hovercraft so that technophiles can fly above the traffic-plagued masses.

B is for Baby. This division of Google is responsible for all of your child’s self-tracking needs.

C is for Calico. Created in 2013, this is Google’s life extension play. Why would anyone die when Google makes immortality an option?

D is for Destiny. Goodbye OkCupid, goodbye LinkedIn! Google Destiny will use all that data gathered on you by Alphabet’s many companies to match you with the perfect job and the love of your life.

E is for Eats. Google purchases Soylent and creates a company that uses all of your genetic and health data to create a personalized meal replacement substance perfectly tuned to your tastebuds and nutritional needs.

F is for Fiber, Google’s high-speed internet arm which expands to include personal WiFi hotspot chip implants, so that nobody ever has to live without the internet again!

G is for Google, that old school company that makes things like search engines, ad networks and apps.

H is for Hydro. This is Google’s undersea exploration division, which is mainly working to uncover new sources of energy on the ocean floor.

I is for I Robot, Google’s cyborg division, which works primarily on implants and software updates for the brain.

J is for Jeans. Google started with jeans, but now makes everything from handbags to tasteful evening wear using computerized textiles, turning fabric surfaces everywhere into touchscreens. Google chose to keep the name Google Jeans to give the label a folksy, relatable feel.

K is for Kilovolt. Google’s green energy arm is researching how to squeeze leftover energy out of old Androids and Chromebooks, since now most people upgrade their devices every 12 to 16 weeks.

L is for Life Sciences. These are the people at Google experimenting with stuff like glucose-sensing contact lenses. Now they’ve moved on to smart skin and implants that track insulin and caffeine levels to automatically dose the body when needed, without you ever knowing.

M is for Meteor. This is Google’s space-mining operation. Its creation was vaguely inspired by the science fiction novel “Leviathan Wakes.”

N is for Nest. Google now has the ability to control every aspect of your home, including handily sensing when you are low on Google Eats by measuring the volume of the contents in your fridge and ordering you more from Google Store.

O is for Open House, what Google will rename its smart home product when it realizes that Brillo is a terrible, terrible name.

P is for Peace of Mind, Google’s new funereal service company that will take care of the disposal of your digital body after death.

Q is for Qubit. This is Google’s quantum computing outfit. It’s researching how to break through all of the world’s encryption, giving Google access to even more data!

R is for Replica, Google’s new pet cloning service.

S is for Store. This is where you go to purchase most things, such as Google Eats, Google Jeans and Google Autos.

T is for Therapi, a division of Google that offers robot therapists that specialize, ironically, in treating disorders psychologists have found are caused by technology, like narcissism.

U is for Universe, the social network for extraterrestrial life.

V is for Ventures, Google’s investment arm which now focuses on extra-planetary investment opportunities.

W is for Weapon. After Alphabet dropped Google’s pesky “don’t be evil” motto, it opened a large shop in northern Virginia and began selling the world’s best autonomous killer robots.

X is for Google X, which now focuses on what the company refers to as “Pluto shots.”

Y is for YouTube, which now creates personalized holographic dramas broadcast directly into your living room or beams a stream directly into your Google Lenses.

Z is for Zen, Google’s 100-acre, tech-free retreat built in a bubble in the Montana Mountains for people who want to be away from all of Google’s other products.

 
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