What Would You Eat If You Were President?

Our large president’s affection for fast food has resurfaced as a topic of conversation, following his physical health assessment, though it was already well-known and oft-documented. According to Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury, Trump “had a longtime fear of being poisoned, one reason why he liked to eat at McDonald’s — nobody knew he was coming and the food was safely premade.” Another tell-all book revealed Trump’s McDonalds order: two Big Macs, two Fillet-O-Fish, and “a chocolate malted,” which appears not to exist at McDonald’s.

Barack Obama, meanwhile, was known for healthier eating habits, like snacking on (Almost) Precisely Seven Almonds and apples, and visiting some of DC’s best restaurants. Trump is rarely seen at restaurants other than his own (though he claimed months ago that he would start going), possibly because he’s afraid of being yelled at by angry commoners. Knowing the type of people who go to nice restaurants in D.C., he probably shouldn’t worry too much.

Trump’s McDonalds-heavy diet, and even Obama’s boring-ass healthy stuff, raise an interesting question: What would you eat if you were president? You get your own dedicated cooking staff, complete with an executive chef, who work out of a very fancy kitchen, big and advanced enough to prepare state dinners. And it’s all yours! I’m no stranger to the golden arches—I’m a McChicken girl, myself—but c’mon. You’re rich AND you’re president? Get whatever you want! Go nuts, honey!

My initial ideas are:

• Get the military, who would have to obey me by LAW, to lock me inside Trader Joe’s overnight so that I have no choice but to eat the food!!! A whole night of the best available peanut butter cups and those amazing pretzel slims, and all the good cheese, and maybe some pre-cut fruit for health. This has been a dream of mine since childhood, though it was Sainsbury’s instead of Trader Joe’s.
• Make me everything in the Great British Bake Off Big Book of Baking. Make all the cakes twice.
• Ice cream sandwiches with fresh warm cookies, for every meal.
• Dedicated Mexican Coke fridge.
• Brisket Thursdays. You could bring in the brisket from DC’s best barbecue, Federalist Pig, to give the staff a night off.

I asked my Gizmodo Media Group colleagues for their answers, too:

Hamilton Nolan, Splinter: gourmet PBJ sent up at midnight

Rafi Schwartz, Splinter: cover the resolute desk in one giant rice crispy square to just munch on over the course of the day

Anna Merlan, Special Projects/Jezebel: I would have bulk candy bins installed in the Oval Office and continually replenished, and a conveyer belt of mozzarella sticks just constantly spilling them all over the Resolute Desk

and I guess I’d dot the Situation Room with mini cheesecakes and slices of key lime pie because it seems stressful in there

and i’d like to just cram them periodically in my face and get crumbs on maps and whatnot

Barry Petchesky, Deadspin: Lobster Newberg

Clio Chang, Splinter: i would want every bill/executive order that came to my desk to sign to be accompanied by a different piece of gourmet sushi

that’s all