Thanksgiving Watch: Let's Talk Turkey–Days of Good Cheer–And Evenings in Repose

By Hamilton Nolan | November 22, 2017 | 3:38pm

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“Meep Meep!” The call of the wild turkey bird. It’s your pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving Watch, where we watch Thanksgiving—thankfully!

Gobble gobble! Did you know that the origin of Thanksgiving was, apparently, when members of the Wampanoag tribe showed up to where the Pilgrims were in 1621 and ate some deers? If you thought it involved turkeys coming out of the sea—wrong! Back to the mad house with you, sir! The guards are waiting!
Some people find it fashionable to “hate” on Thanksgiving, but not me. I find it more fashionable to hate on clothes that have only very recently gone out of style. Like what Eric wears.
BRRGAWKKK! (The sound a turkey makes). Since people tend to eat a lot of food on Thanksgiving, nutritionist Maya Feller says that you should eat healthier in the week leading up to the big day to balance it out. I’ve long said to anyone who would listen that nutritionist Maya Feller is a fraud and a con. “You don’t even know this person,” I’ve been told by countless acquaintances and psychiatrists. Let’s get back to the issue at hand: I’ll eat what I fucking want.
Could Thanksgiving take your marriage “to the brink?” That’s what some person on Slate says. Take it for what it’s worth. Slate will publish anything. In 2007 I wrote an anonymous essay on Slate about running my own diamond mine—with a focus on ethics. Doing what’s right for the diamond mining community. Not a word of it was true. Wracked with guilt, I resolved the next year to found that ethical diamond mine, if for no other reason than to make a genuine attempt to retroactively conform to journalistic ethics. It took four more years, countless investor meetings, and a lot of burned bridges, but I finally did it. The day that I got to write to the editor of Slate on my own diamond company letterhead and explain that I had made things right was one I will never forget. I hope to one day receive a reply to that letter, though when I checked I had actually left that essay in my drafts folder.
Bang! The sound of gunshots. You raise your head quickly and look around. The shots came from over there! It’s a group of hunters, hunting the traditional turkey, for Thanksgiving—a day of the year when the more than 35 chain restaurants in this list are open for business. You nod and smile, as a pumpkin grows off to the side.
Are you looking for an inventive, modern spin on classic Thanksgiving side dishes? Get out of my house then.
Curious about what your fellow Americans are buying and serving for Thanksgiving this year? The information is all here. Knock yourself out. Personally I wouldn’t waste my time. I assume it’s the typical things—stuffing or “dressing,” potatoes, meats and what have you. Your obsessive quest to know every bit of trivia is disquieting and, frankly, off-putting. At dinner, instead of sputtering, “Do you know what the third most popular Thanksgiving food item is this year??” as bits of cranberry spittle fly from your disgusting lips, try listening to others. Close the mouth and open the ears.
“The roast turkey and pecan pie may be the same as always, but growing numbers of families plan to add a tradition to their Thanksgiving holiday this week: a frank talk about their wishes for end-of-life care.” Weebweebweebwee! (Turkey call.)