Of Course Crypto Bros Are Throwing Dildos At WNBA Games

These repeated instances of cowards throwing sex toys at professional athletes and then tucking their tails and running away are done in service of pumping their Green Dildo Coin. I feel far more shame about spending parts of my life simply associating with this space overflowing with 14-year-old boys than I do about my adventures in crypto leverage that lost me a million dollars. “We wanted to really make memes funny again” said the brave anonymous crypto bro to ESPN, proving yet again that these losers pretending they are masters of the universe have no lives outside the screen they sit in front of 18 hours a day. Crypto bros want you to think they’re always at posh parties for wealthy folk, but the vast majority of their time is spent alone, over-trading themselves into gargantuan tax bills they can’t pay while copy/pasting pictures of other people’s Rolexes to their Instagram.

Green Dildo Coin is up 230 percent in the last week as these sexist stunts have unfolded, but honestly, that’s fucking pathetic (all data via CoinGecko). It “only” has a $10.6 million market cap as of this writing, and while I know that sounds insanely large, that’s a relatively small amount for a shitcoin in crypto. The smaller the market cap, the easier it is to pump, so if this was really making the financial impact they thought it was, it would be moving a whole lot more than this.

I’m old enough to remember when random coins no one has ever heard about pumped 1,000 percent in a week. What is this, a pump for ants? No self-respecting crypto bro should roll out of bed for a $10.6 million market cap coin that does anything less than a 5x. Not only do these people fail at life in the real world, they’re under-performing TROLL, a coin up 240 percent in the last week that’s 16 times larger than their babybrained bullshit.

Crypto bros think they’re taking over the world because there’s a scammer in the White House (scamming them), but a recent Gallup poll revealed how their quest for world domination is still just a sausage party for young men who can’t get laid. Just 14 percent of American adults own crypto, and breaking this figure down along gender and age lines really shows how isolated crypto bros are. Just eight percent of women aged 18-49 own crypto, nine percent of women aged 50 and over, and twelve percent of men 50 and older. There is one group of people in America who drive crypto, and it’s men aged 18-49, 25 percent of whom own crypto.

Crypto bros aren’t even taking over the Republican Party. Sure, their money is warping politics to a truly unhinged degree, but Gallup found that Republicans knew the least about cryptocurrency among the three main political sects in their poll. Thirty-eight percent of Independents and Democrats say they “know something about cryptocurrency,” while just 30 percent of Republicans do. Looking at Gallup’s breakdown by income isolates the crypto bros even more, as 19 percent of people who make $90,000 or more a year own it, 13 percent of people making $48,000 to $89,999 per year, and nine percent of people making less than $48,000 per year.

All of Gallup’s data confirms my anecdotal experience in crypto since 2017, which is that the vast majority of the people who actually populate this safe space for socially maladjusted men are overgrown manbabies in their 20s who derive their entire net worth from meme coins. The least serious humans ever created have all gathered in one area to make fake bullshit no one uses that they gamble on to inflate their paper net worth, a fortune that the vast majority of them never realize before going broke. I have maintained a crypto Twitter feed since 2017 to keep an eye on these schmucks, and it just keeps getting quieter and quieter as more and more dumbfucks go broke trading childish nonsense like DILDO, and are forced to go back to the McDonald’s jobs they spend all their time online making fun of when they’re not denigrating women.

But honestly, not a whole lot of folks are really trading this coin. There is real hope in this story. Its 24-hour trading volume with all this attention on it from ESPN and The Athletic is a little over a million, a third of the volume something called Mr. Miggles has done over the same period. Unicorn Fart Dust has done over three times the amount of volume in the last 24 hours. The Official Melania Meme, the most obviously rugpulled chart I have ever seen in my life, has done over five times the volume in the last 24 hours. These dumbfucks pulled a rabidly sexist stunt to get the whole world looking at them all in order to inflate their net worth, and they have seen 20 percent the trading volume that HarryPotterObamaSonic10Inu has in the last day. Yes, these crypto bros are unserious sexist pigs, but don’t lose sight of the fact that they’re pathetic failures at their stated goal too.