On Sunday, the Kansas City Chiefs and Philadelphia Eagles will face off in rematch of the Super Bowl from two years ago, where the defensive holding call heard round the world helped the Chiefs eke out a 38-35 victory in the first of back-to-back titles. In front of the president this weekend, the Tomahawk Chopping Swifties can become the first team in NFL history to win three Super Bowls in a row. Taylor Swift’s prom king and Chiefs star tight end Travis Kelce said it will be “an honor” having Trump at the game, while star quarterback Patrick Mahomes said it will be “cool,” further reinforcing his wife Brittany Mahomes’ belief that the franchise who had to ban its fans from wearing redface is the official team of MAGA.
I warned you all about this at the beginning of the season, and I will accept your apologies now that I have been proven to be objectively correct. Because I am a benevolent NFL blogger, I will forgive those late arriving football fans to the right side of history. Not all of us can grow up as good and righteous Denver Broncos fans who have long understood the fundamental evil of the Kansas City Chiefs and the threat to society that they present.
So now that we’re all on the same page as to how depraved America can get, let’s look at some of my favorite bets to make this weekend. I will let you determine which of these are real and which are too insane for one of the most predatory industries ever created (PSA: if a line is +125, that means it’s an underdog as you risk $100 to win $125, if it’s -125, that means it’s a favorite as you risk $125 to win $100).
Philadelphia Eagles to Win (+100)
This is probably a better Eagles team than the one who lost to the Chiefs a couple years ago, but the Chiefs are a better team too. What makes this a bet for me is that Saquon Barkley is an alien who will grind you into dust in the second half if the Eagles get a lead. Also, everyone who bets against the Chiefs in the Super Bowl gets into heaven while Chiefs bettors go to hell. Don’t yell at me, I don’t make the rules. I just report the news.
Chiefs First Drive Touchdown (+190)
Both because the NFL officials love to give the Chiefs backrubs, and because the most lethal situation on the planet might be Andy Reid with two weeks to prepare, we can probably expect a really cool redzone lateral play from Patrick Mahomes to the head referee as he flips it to Xavier Worthy for the opening touchdown of the game.
Official to Reveal He Bet on the Chiefs (+400)
Donald Trump and his unelected minion Elon Musk have proven that laws aren’t real and anyone can do whatever the hell they want now with no shame or jail time. Those of us who really know how the NFL works have long suspected that the Chiefs have folks on the inside, and this is a bet that Trump’s presence at the Super Bowl will embolden officials to confess their deepest darkest secrets that everyone already knows are true, like how the Buffalo Bills clearly got a key first down in the AFC Championship that the refs just decided to ignore so they could give the ball back to their bosses.
Saquon Barkley to Make Someone Look Very Silly (-10000)
Video game athleticism does not even begin to describe the best NFL running back since LaDainian Tomlinson, as his backwards hurdle over a defender earlier this year was so preposterous that Madden had to create a new animation for it. I took out a second mortgage to make this bet because given how Saquon’s first touch in the NFC Championship went, this is the most guaranteed money in the history of sports betting.
More Giannis Antetokounmpo Points than Mahomes Rush Yds (-115)
This is so extremely my shit. One of the best parts of Super Bowl Sunday is making these ridiculous cross-sport bets that otherwise are difficult to find throughout the year. It’s like a little gift to degenerates from these companies destroying America and putting countless people in tens of thousands of dollars of debt. Most days you only get to be wrong about one sport, but on Super Bowl Sunday, you can be wrong about two or more at the same time!
More Chiefs 1st Q Points than Cade Cunningham 1st Q Points (+140)
This is another bet on the only non-evil aspect of the Chiefs—the cute and cuddly Andy Reid who is currently devising increasingly cruel ways to trap the Philadelphia Eagles in hell on Sunday. It also is a bet on the NBA’s party circuit ensuring that the early Sunday games will look like a bunch of schlubs at your local YMCA trying to play through a hangover.
Chiefs + Eagles Points Over Donald Trump’s post-Super Bowl Favorability Rating (-160)
The over/under for the game is 48.5, which currently sits a bit higher than Trump’s 46.9% favorability rating. Philadelphia and Kansas City’s offenses are better and more efficient than anything in Donald Trump’s government and frankly, this is free money and I cannot believe these casinos are offering this definitely real line I didn’t just make up.
Fred Van Vleet Assists + Jalen Green Shooting Percentage Longer than the Longest Field Goal (-150)
Hell yeah baby let’s get weird with these cross-sport props. Is this even a real bet anyone can make? Were any of the previous ones? Am I just messing with you now in an attempt to showcase how absurd gambling has become?
Donald Trump to Call One Play (+1400)
Again, laws aren’t real and there’s no rule saying that a dog cannot play basketball and the best basketball playing dog in America is likely to want to expand his horizons. I’m putting my money on Andy Reid getting a phone call from Trump sometime in the middle of the second quarter demanding he get to call one play, or else Andy will spend the second half in Guantanamo Bay.
Brett Baier to Literally Lick Trump’s Boots (+250)
Trump will be interviewed before the game by Fox News lackey Brett Baier. This pretend journalist is good at making the faces and mouth noises that real journalists do, but again, we are in a new, more shameless world, and I think that betting on the worst people alive to reveal their true colors on Sunday is +EV.
Chiefs Are the First Mascot Trump Mentions in Fox Interview (-150)
Hmmmm, is the racist Fox News grandpa going to focus on the team led by a Black quarterback who supported Kamala Harris? Or will he choose the group of Trump supporters doing the Tomahawk Chop? Again, free money here.
“Pardon” Said in Trump’s Fox Interview Before “DEI” (+400)
Obviously, the right’s favorite cudgel to reinstate segregation is a heavy favorite, as BetOnline prices it at -700, but I’m going to go against the grain here and bet that Trump will begin the interview by announcing a pardon for new Fox analyst and longtime Trump supporter Tom Brady for all the crimes his vacuous and uninformative commentary has committed against NFL viewers this year. All the worst people mankind has ever created are having the best days of their lives right now, so why not bet on Trump making some news about Fox’s newest astonishingly overpaid and overhyped hairpiece going into the Super Bowl.
Chiefs Player to Get Arrested During the Game (+200)
As us good and righteous Broncos fans know, Kansas City has long been a halfway home for criminals like Tyreek Hill. Just type “Chiefs player arrested” into Google and play with the timeframe and the only parts of the headlines that will change are the names and charges. This is such a clear and consistent trend throughout history that this post from Arrowhead Pride in 2009 detailing the vast number of players arrested only begins to scratch the surface of this lawless franchise. I know we live in a world where laws aren’t real now, but if anyone can find the way to break the law in this day and age, it’s this group of bad and evil criminals.
Super Bowl MVP: Donald Trump (+1000)
This is definitely the most real and mispriced line I have ever seen. The constitution is a relic now, and if you think Trump isn’t coming to replace more of America’s foundational keystones, you are simply not paying attention to what is happening right now. By the fourth quarter, I fully expect Trump to be down on the field in full Chiefs regalia with his goon squad threatening any Eagles players with jail time if they tackle him. Because Trump doesn’t believe that exercise is real, he will be too weak to hold a football and carry it into the endzone, and will just sit at midfield and issue an executive order asserting that he reenacted the David Tyree helmet catch to win the game. This may sound contradictory to my Eagles bet, but it’s clear that nothing matters, and everything is Calvinball these days. So I fully expect Vegas to honor my Eagles ticket when they outscore the Chiefs 38-35 even as Donald Trump declares the Chiefs Super Bowl champions and himself the MVP. This is how America works now.
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