Like a true auteur, Wiseau delivers on the signature artistic flourishes we’ve come to expect: unintelligible dialogue, random cuts, recycled footage, nonsensical storylines. If The Room was his Sgt. Pepper, this is his White Album.
Some characters are greeted before they enter rooms; others aren’t ever introduced at all. At least one “walkie-talkie” conversation is had with someone who is obviously just shouting from off-screen. Women are called “bitch,” “tramp,” “whore,” and “hooker” without provocation. Emotions, and volume, fluctuate wildly. Not unlike The Room, The Neighbors has the feeling of terrible improv performed by people on heavy drugs.
Until the Library of Congress steps up and does what’s right, it’s imperative that we preserve this document for posterity. Here are our favorite moments from The Neighbors presented without context, because there isn’t any.
1. Aaaand we’re hot out of the gate.
2. “How we doing with the basketball?” “Pretty good! I won the basketball game last week, actually.”
4. “You know what? Chicken yourself, your mama, screw you.”
5. “You have weird eyes.”
6. “Do you want to smell it?”
7. Something is terribly wrong with this baby.
8. This is a fight scene.
9. “I’m going to kill your fucking chicken. I’m going to kill it when I see it.”
10. “Approved!”
11. [Screaming.]
12. “We got anniversary!”
13. “Wait a minute, why you want a gun? You have a gun right here! In the morning, afternoon, and the evening, free of charge!”
14. “So did you do exercise or something?”
15. “Do you guys want ice cream?” “Wait a minute, why are you here?” “I want some ice cream!”
16. “Hey Charlie. Hey. I’m so depressed.”
17. “I wonder Ed is maybe retarded or something.”
18. “I might have sex with Troy. I bet you he has a big you-know-what. Do you think?” “That’s sick.”
19. ???
20. “What the hell is this, Bebe? Inviction? Eviction?”
21. “Please, Cici, let me cook it. Let me cook your tiger.”
22. “God bless America… home sweet home, da da da da.”
23. “I love you so much, I want to buy you red car, okay? Beautiful red car.”
24. “No more ice cream!”
25. “No more cinema, no more movies, no more of that orange juice that you like.”
26. This is another fight scene.
27. ???
28. “Hey Bebe. I have something for you. Something special. Happy birthday. I love you so much. This is special thing. Happy birthday. Hoping all your dream come true.”
29. You will see this establishing shot dozens of times. Get used to it.
30. Why is Ed measuring a bulletin board?
31. “So, what’s your pleasure? What’s your complaint? If anything?”
32. The tenants assemble in Charlie’s office to sing “Frère Jacques,” because he is going on vacation. Of course.
33. “You know, I am tired of this stuff. Can I come back later? Oh, actually, explain to me. Okay, keyboard.”
34. “Can I strangle you a little bit? Like this?”
35. “I’m going to cut my fingers right now.”
36. “Was that Fidel Castro?” “What a dickhead.”
37. “You said you wanna do crime, I’m getting excited! Let’s do violence!”
38. “I love your glasses.” “Yeah, they’re rad. They’re cyberpunk.”
39. “You’re her adopted sister?” “I might be, or I might be a cousin. We don’t know.”
40. Ricky Rick repeatedly spits water all over the office for no apparent reason.
41. “Everybody’s talking about jackets now.”
42. Based on the novel by Tommy Wiseau.
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion’s Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.
GET SPLINTER RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
The Truth Hurts
