Dear old people: why are you still sexting?

By Fusion Staff | January 8, 2015 | 9:05pm

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A high school soccer coach was recently arrested for sending several of his players a Snapchat video of himself jerking off, proving once again what we all know to be true: old people must stop sexting.

Jeffrey Sirois, who is 57 and clearly inept at navigating the world of Snapchat, reportedly intended to send the 10-second masturbation video to his girlfriend before realizing that he had, in fact, sent it to all 30 people on his contact list.

Geraldo Rivera

A 70-year-old who just learned how to use Twitter. Tequila. 2:30am. A half-nude bathroom selfie.

All these elements combined to bring us an unforgettable old-person selfie scandal.

Rivera owned up to his mistake, explaining the situation thusly: “I had a couple drinks…it was 2:30 and I said, ‘Damnit, I like that picture.’ And I just learned how to use Twitter a couple weeks ago, and there I was.”

Tip for traumatizing friends, family and coworkers: set this as the background image on their desktop or cell phone. Works every time.

Anthony Weiner/Carlos Danger

The former congressman’s penchant for sending explicit photos to a variety of women is well known by now, but let’s not forget: the whole thing began with an accidental Tweet.

Back in 2011, Weiner posted what would soon become the dick pic heard round the world. Instead of being sent directly to the 21-year old woman he’d been pursuing online, the photo, posted to his yfrog account (remember yfrog?), was sent out to all his Twitter followers. And was promptly screenshotted by the conservative site Big Government.

Unlike Geraldo’s good-natured response to his own drunken shirtless selfie, Weiner took a different route, offering up some extremely plausible explanations, including, “Maybe it did start being a photo of mine and now looks something different or maybe it is from another account.” Makes sense.

Unfortunately for Weiner, the Internet is forever and no photo deletion or half-ass denial could stop the Weinergate scandal from producing headlines such as this:

Steve Kroft

Steve Kroft’s sext issue has less to do with social media failures and more to do with the fact he is an awful sexter.

The National Enquirer got its hands on some of the romantic missives that the 69-year-old Kroft, respected longtime 60 Minutes correspondent, sent to his lover of three years (he’s since admitted to the affair, but has not directly addressed the sexts). Here are some of the highlights from his alleged sext trail:

“Working late. Just ordered out. Would rather be eating your pudding,” and “Miss you and all that goes with it. Especially my favorite tastes and colors … pink and brown.”

Nooooo.

Brooks Newmark

This tale of sexting gone bad comes to us all the way from jolly old London, where Conservative Member of Parliament Brooks Newmark was tricked into sending a cheeky nude pic to a reporter posing as a woman on Twitter.

To be fair, Newmark, 56, took some foolproof precautions before sending the scandalous pic to a complete stranger on the Internet, demanding: “You MUST swear on a stack of Bibles you won’t show pics as I promise not to show pics of you? OK?”

Shockingly enough, that tactic didn’t work and now we’re all privy to the above photo (look at that smile!). Newmark has since resigned.

Here’s the takeaway: Olds, if you don’t know the difference between a DM and a Tweet, if you feel compelled to use a pudding metaphor in a sext or if you’ve been on the tequila and it’s 2:30 a.m., put down the cell phone and step away from the mirror immediately. You will mess this up and may get arrested.

Alexandra DiPalma is a producer for Fusion Lightworks, Fusion’s In-house Branded Content Agency.