BiteLabs' Celebrity Salami: 7 Celebrities We'd Eat

By Fusion Staff  |  February 28, 2014 | 1:53pm
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BiteLabs hopes to provide the discerning eater with quality, artisanal salami using the finest natural ingredients, like Hungarian paprika, orange zest, peppercorns, lavender and Kanye West.

BiteLabs’ site explains that, by using biopsied myoblast cells from choice celebrities, they are able to grow high-quality, luxury meat in their own bioreactors.

One BiteLabs employee, Kevin, told Vice’s Motherboard that the company is “100 percent serious in prompting widespread discussion about bioethics, lab-grown meats, and celebrity culture—this is very important to us.” Slate decided to rain on everyone’s exceedingly legal and completely plausible meat parade by announcing that the whole enterprise is “probably a prank.”

But we believe Kevin, and we also believe in consuming celebrity culture in as many lab-grown, artisan-crafted, lavender-infused fleshy chunks as possible. To that end, here are our picks for celebrities we’d love to eat:

1. The Beyoncelery-Ramp Salami

An elegant choice for a discerning palate, this particular salami is made from crisp, bright celery, in-season ramps, the deep blush of a Louboutin underbelly, and Earth-pressured coal, along with a homemade meld of Beyoncé and goose liver pâté. The result is a velvety, unctuous finish against a subtle bouquet of early spring greens. We’ve also included a kiss of champagne, assuring that you’ll be “drunk in love” with this welcome addition to your charcuterie boardt.

2. Paula Bean Sausage

Put a little “South in your mouth” with this meaty, deep vermillion sausage, crafted from a blend of Paula Deen, fava bean froth, orange-fondled mayonnaise, and peanut butter, all nestled within a natural casing made from her sons, Jamie and Bobby Deen.

3. Donald Rump Roast Salami

A gourmet blend of Donald Trump and homemade rump roast play sardonically against an elegant field of Trump water gravy, sun-burnt Sbarro pizza crust, and edible gold flake. Lacquered in gold and black fondant with a high-shine finish and infused with a sputtering of habanero pepper, this salami refuses to go quietly into the night. Get “fired” up!

4. Shia LaBeouf Bourguignon Salami

Where’s the beef? Why, it’s ground up with Shia LaBeouf into a savory salami, dotted with dribbles of red wine, spurts of pearl onion, a quick slap of lardons, a pinch of mushroom, and a roundhouse kick of garbage. Truly, a work of art.

5. Drake Frites Salami

Filet of Drake – perfectly seasoned – tenderly hugs bubbles of filet mignon and charred potato flesh to create this fresh, effervescent salami. A cover model for beautifully cured meats.

6. Peas Morgan Salami

A cornucopia of garden delights, including fresh young peas, an intrusive spray of steak and kidney pie, and a trickle of authentic English “chips” (dirt), all hesitantly cup a trough of freshly-ground Piers Morgan. Served wet.

7. Alec Baldwings Salami

Tenderly choked morsels of chicken tickle prime cuts of Alec Baldwin as they swim down a puddle of Buffalo sauce and into a New York City sewer drain.

 
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