What Joe Biden Was Secretly Tweeting During the Shutdown

Now that the shutdown is over, the government is finally answering our freedom of information requests. We put in a submission for communications sent from the executive branch in the past month, and the results just came in.

It’s pretty boring (weekly briefings with Democratic governors, daily orders for deep-dish pizza flown in from Chicago at the taxpayer’s expense), except for one thing that we didn’t know about: Joe Biden’s Twitter account. Not the one you know as @VP that’s run by his staff. He apparently has a lesser known personal account, under the name @MorningJoeB (@MorningJoe was taken).

Here are all of @MorningJoeB’s tweets from the past month.

Sept. 29, 12:15 p.m.
Just woke up. Time to go to work!

Sept. 29, 1:40 p.m.
Late to Cabinet meeting (again). Slipped in next to Vilsack and what’s-her-face who runs Interior Department. Trying to check score of Phillies game but terrible WiFi. Thanks Obama.

Sept. 29, 2:23 p.m.
Remember Snood? On level 12.

Sept. 29, 4:10 p.m.
Exhausted from long day. Phillies lost. Going home.

Sept. 30, 10:01 a.m.
Breakfast with Jill. Reading the paper. Good stuff inside — glad to see Sherman’s Lagoon in color. Jill tells me to read the front page. Typical Jill.

Sept. 30, 12:34 p.m.
In Oval with Barry. He’s stressed. Tough job he has. He’s kvetching about some sort of stalemate in Congress. No idea what he’s talking about.

Sept. 30, 12:39 p.m.
Still in Oval. Barry asking me what he should do about Boehner. Why wasn’t this in the paper? Trying to look it up on iPhone. Terrible WiFi again. Phone is frozen. Need to restart. “Shut it down!” I yell at phone. Barry says “good idea.” Weirdo.

Oct. 1, 9:30 a.m.
Up early. Got coffee. Feeling good. I’ll get into the office by 10 a.m. maybe. Kiss Jill on cheek.

Oct. 1, 9:50 a.m.
What a day! I get to EEOB and am told I have the day off. Something about being “nonessential.” Wonder what John is up to. Hilarious dude.

Oct. 1, 6 p.m.
Just watched Breaking Bad finale! WOW. Can’t believe he was a meth dealer this whole time.

Oct. 2, 9:30 a.m.
Calling in to EEOB. Got the day off again! Want to take Jill for a picnic but the national parks site is down. Thanks Obama. Calling whats-her-face who runs Interior Department for directions.

Oct. 4, 2:00 p.m.
In Oval with Barry. Not so nonessential are we now, huh? Turns out he just wants to offer me tickets to the Redskins game. I make some remark about the team name being racist. He says that’s interesting. Wonder if that will go anywhere.

Oct. 5, 1:51 p.m.
Level 60 in Snood.

Oct. 8, 3 a.m.
Can’t sleep. Had a dream that Barry and John became best friends.

Oct. 8, 3:10 a.m.
Anyone know where I can watch last night’s Conan?

Oct. 8, 3:33 a.m.
RT @FreePromos RT for a chance to win an Xbox 360!

Oct. 14, 4:45 p.m.
Just got a call from my college buddy. Great guy. I mention I haven’t gotten a paycheck in weeks. He sounds concerned and says he has to get back to work at Fitch. I tell him Jill loves that store. He sounds confused.

Oct. 16, 11:34 a.m.
Alarmed to read about the “government shutdown” in the news. Wonder how long that will last. Not good for economy, people.

Oct. 16, 1:14 p.m.
Phew, that wasn’t so bad. Just a couple hours of shutdown. Hardly even noticed. Wonder what John is up to.

This post is satire.